


This Blooming Skin Masks My Shattered Mind

by gyu_trashling (ladynoirsdaughter)



Series: My Beautiful, Broken Body [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Insecurity, Love, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 05:51:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11121189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladynoirsdaughter/pseuds/gyu_trashling
Summary: Mingyu misses what he was, who he was before he got sick. Wonwoo does everything he can to let him know that he is not gone.





	This Blooming Skin Masks My Shattered Mind

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm now making a depressed!Mingyu series. I'm so mean to my bias.
> 
> This is a continuation of 'My Heart is Sick, But it Feels Nice'. I recommend reading that first in order to understand the series as it will be carried on after this story.
> 
> I am not in any way implying that Mingyu is depressed or suffers from any of the thoughts or feelings I have outlined in this story. This is pure fiction and if anything to do with insecurities, anxiety, self-hatred, any form or self-harm, or depression triggers you, please do not read, or read with caution.

It's not odd to see one of the members joking with Wonwoo, in fact, he will initiate the fun a lot of the time now. But to see one of the members with their arms around Wonwoo's waist and chin resting on Wonwoo's shoulder, well, it's a bit much.

Mingyu shouldn't complain. He has no right to. He didn't have a reserved spot in the older's heart - actually he did, but more often than not it felt fairly small compared to the others, in his perspective.

He had simply been pushed aside once debut came around and Mingyu accepted that. He understood the boundaries that Wonwoo had made as soon as things got serious with the group and he knew Wonwoo didn't have as much time for him anymore.

Mingyu knew.

Yet it always hurt that little bit too much when he saw the older sitting close to Jihoon, or laughing with Soonyoung, or looking fondly at the excited maknae.

It was obvious to everyone that Mingyu had always looked at Wonwoo a different way compared to the others, and that he held a certain care and fondness for him that was more than what it should be. Hell, he'd carried the fox doll everywhere when the older was sick and couldn't promote.

Everyone also knew that Wonwoo wasn't oblivious to the situation. He knew what Mingyu was doing when he'd rest a hand on his shoulder or pull him closer by the wrist. He knew of Mingyu's intentions. But instead of doing anything about it, he let the younger be, understanding it was to make him feel better.

Wonwoo probably had the biggest insight into the war going on inside the younger; how he'd stay up late during trainee days to get one step right before even thinking about sleep. How Mingyu would read his lyrics over and over and over again just in case he had to change a word. Wonwoo knew of Mingyu's doubts and worries and insecurities since they began training together, because Wonwoo would always notice things.

He'd see the way Seungkwan would look at them then Hansol, wishing the half-Korean boy wasn't so shy with skinship.

He'd notice how Jisoo and Jeonghan would look at them with admiration while Mingyu back hugged him.

But Wonwoo would always, _always_ take note, of the times Mingyu would step closer when he had the attention of a handsy Junhui or a tired little Samuel in the green practice room.

Everyone in the group, past and present, knew that Mingyu and Wonwoo held a different kind of bond. One that had each of them feeling jealous at the sight of another member too close, or insecure when a pretty girl was present.

There was enough proof on SEVENTEEN-TV for everything. Though gladly, they had grown together again and began accepting the touches and looks, but kept it less than before. It made the younger feel less worried about pushing things too far.

So when Mingyu is having a bad day, one where he is stressed from dancing, vocals, and trying to sort twenty servings of ramen for thirteen boys that he almost throws a bowl at the wall in frustration, he goes to Wonwoo, and he accepts him.

It's after they eat, roughly nine at night, where members are scattered about the dorm doing their own thing before sleeping. It's when every dish is clean and away, mess gone, and hands washed so thoroughly that they're as soft as ever, that Mingyu goes to Wonwoo for comfort.

He's sitting at the end of the cabinets against the wall, book in hand and glasses on, waiting for him. It's comforting how he knew so easily.

Mingyu sits on the side away from the others who are less than ten metres away, head on Wonwoo's shoulder as he skims his eyes over the page. A history novel, he believes, if the words about a famous painting hint at anything.

It takes a moment to realise the page won't be turned because Wonwoo is instead looking at him, waiting for his attention patiently. Although, Mingyu prefers to look away, because now that Wonwoo is actually interested, he doesn't want it. Not these kind of moments.

He sees the older set down his book and glasses, right arm moving around so his slender fingers can run through the bottom of his hair. It calms Mingyu greatly, and he silently thanks him by pressing his cheek a little more into his shoulder.

The conversation starts easily and it’s the usual question, Mingyu not having to wonder what it is he’s talking about. ”How many?"

"Twelve."

"All at once?"

"Four at breakfast, three at the main dance break, and five just before we ate."

Neither of them said anything for a moment, their hushed voices keeping everyone else away. The others didn't need to worry.

"Where?"

"Left thigh."

"I'm guessing that explains your limp." It was straightforward and perhaps a little harsh, but they've had this type of conversation too many times to worry about harsh words.

Wonwoo continued to run his fingers through the back of Mingyu's dark hair, missing how long it used to be before it was cut right back and dyed bright orange. ' _Like Seungkwan's precious Jeju tangerines._ '

"Those tangerines look much better than I ever did, hyung." He'd said that out loud. The older gave a small laugh and leant his head on Mingyu's, enjoying the rarity of their closeness.

He could tell the younger was tired, having worked so hard all day to try and get everything done. Mingyu always worked extra hard to make sure his body could move the same as everyone else's and that he was always thinking ahead about other important things. Wonwoo always thought he worked more than enough.

"Go get changed for bed, I'll meet you in there with some things to help." It took them a little time to separate as the closeness was much better than anything else, but eventually Mingyu stood and walked down the hallway to his shared room, Wonwoo picking up his things.

He'd done this a lot over the two years since debut, even before then, and the younger had explained he felt most comfortable around him when it came to these sorts of things. He trusted and cared about everyone in the group, no doubt, but he would prefer to go to Wonwoo about these problems.

Wonwoo never became bothered by it. He's glad Mingyu trusted him so much to talk about it with him. He only wishes he didn't have to always bring it up first.

Within five minutes he had put his things away, retrieved a small bag of ice with a towel to wrap it in and some soothing cream, had quietly informed some of the members of the situation (it was unfortunate they only knew secretly) and made his way to Mingyu's shared room.

Said boy was sat on the floor in front of the bunk he shared with Jihoon, biting at his nails like he usually did when he was nervous. He looked up as the door closed, and locked so Mingyu didn't have to try and hide so quickly, waiting for the older. Mingyu would always wait for the older to come to him, never initiating the meeting.

When Wonwoo sat in front of him he kicked off his pyjama pants slowly, exposing his lower legs and thighs, jumper sitting just above the end of his underwear. It was awkward at first, but everyone in the group had seen each other naked - or half clothed due to outfit changes - plenty of times. The older positioned himself close, Mingyu's right leg bent and tucked underneath himself and left leg outstretched. A position he had become common with.

As soon as Wonwoo got a good look at Mingyu's thigh he let out a sigh he didn't know he'd been holding. His hands touched gently, finding the tightness in the muscles amongst the discolouration.

Mingyu was insecure and it was clear as day. No one ever pushed him and instead tried their very best to raise his confidence, time after time letting him know that he was good enough and he was worth the time.

But to know he was inflicting pain on himself during the times he was unable to accept any of it, that hurt the most. There was never any blood to clean or scars to cover up; Mingyu was afraid of those consequences. Instead he would hit himself. With his fists, on tables and doorways, with an object he had in his hand. His skin would bruise and sometimes swell a little too much and the pain was obvious when he didn't bother to hide it. He would also do it multiple times so it was worse than a simple ‘accident' when he could barely get through the day.

Wonwoo found out first. It was barely a week after coming home from Japan, after all the concerts and filming and plans that were set for One Fine Day that Wonwoo discovered just how far from okay Mingyu really was.

The older had knocked on the bathroom door in the middle of the night, stating his presence, only to hear a shaky mumbled voice answer that they would be out soon. He was immediately concerned when he registered the voice was Mingyu and asked if he could come in. The reply of 'no' was even shakier and the older wasn't having it. He'd stepped inside and closed the door quickly, Mingyu looking at him through the mirror.

Wonwoo moved to stand behind him, hands coming to the younger's hips, keeping eye contact before he leant into his back and rested there, finding warmth radiating from Mingyu’s larger frame. He turned and also held him, realising he had indeed grown and Wonwoo was now smaller than before, meaning it became even more of a perfect fit for them. It made the younger’s heart hurt a lot more. When Wonwoo asked what was wrong and why he looked so upset, Mingyu only sighed and moved away, fiddling with the hem of his hoodie before removing it to show his hyung his red and purple skin. The marks were low, near where his hip bones started, majoring on his right side and close to his stomach. Wonwoo had touched the area oh so gently that even applying a small amount of pressure had the younger flinch.

It looked like he had been beaten almost.

When he'd helped him apply the necessary components to make it better and his jumper was back on, Wonwoo had sat with Mingyu for a long period of time before he felt better. He explained his stress, his concerns, and his sudden loneliness to him when the older almost forced it out of him, barely looking up from the floor during that time. He explained that no, he had not been hurt by someone else, that it was because of his own actions that his body was bruised and he knew it was bad.

It was agreed after that night that Mingyu talk to him when he needed support.

So that's how they ended up here: two months later, Mingyu talking about his self-inflicted bruises when asked, Wonwoo doing his best to help them disappear when allowed. He informed the others but begged them not to talk to the younger about it as even he wasn't supposed to know, and Mingyu trusted Wonwoo greatly with how he was feeling about everything. He didn't want to ruin that.

He started with applying ice to the area, wrapping it in the thin towel to take away some of the coldness. It was some time before Mingyu stopped tensing his muscles to fight the cold, now letting it numb the skin it ran across. His head was back and resting on the mattress with Wonwoo occasionally watching his features. He looked like he was okay in those moments.

The ice was taken away and skin left to the warm air of the room for some time before Wonwoo spread cream across his hands and carefully massaged it into his thigh. Mingyu tensed and brought his leg up, taking deep breaths before lowering it again, keeping his knee bent to have the underside taken care of as well.

It's not long before Wonwoo has finished and redressed the boy, putting the items back and returns with clean hands and similar tiredness. He barely has time to sit down before his hand is taken and pulled forward, kneeling in the same position from before. Mingyu continues pulling on his hand to come closer, but he only shakes his head. "You have to keep pressure off it."

"You're not heavy enough to make it worse." Wonwoo knows that, so he goes against his original idea and gives Mingyu what he wants, shuffling forward to sit on his legs.

Wonwoo continues his earlier ministrations, hands combing through hair gently and giving comfort. He feels better seeing him relaxed.

"Hyung..."

"It's okay, Mingyu-ah. I'll take care of you." The boy runs his fingers over Wonwoo's arm and takes one of his hands, lacing their fingers and watching as it happens. He loves to hold Wonwoo's hand.

Mingyu is pressing a kiss to the smooth skin he's holding before smiling up at Wonwoo, free hand moving around his waist to bring him close. He holds him against his body, not too tight in case he wants to move away, but tight enough that Wonwoo knows he is grateful. It's not often these days they share such closeness and touches, all of it pushed aside for their careers. Though every second of holding hands or touching shoulders was better than nothing.

They sat together for some time, relaxed and comfortable, Mingyu's back against the bunk with Wonwoo leant into his chest. Though it happened often because he asked for it, Mingyu still couldn't wrap his head around it - around why the older was bothering to do such a thing.

"Why do you help me so much?"

"You know why I do it."

"Can you say it again, please?" So the older sat back and looked at him, one hand still connected and the other at the nape of Mingyu's neck.

"I do it because I want you to be happy with who you are," he watched Mingyu nod and look down before the fingers that were in his hair were lifting his chin up, "and because I love you."

Mingyu had trouble believing it. Always had. Wonwoo told him many times and gave constant reassurance, but the younger still felt like it wasn't true. Just words spat out in order to make him love himself like they all wanted.

Ever since he had apologised and spent the afternoon cuddled into Wonwoo and sleeping, he wanted to spend more time with him. He let it slip about how he felt only a week after that day, random confidence filling him when he'd be writing with Wonwoo in one of the PLEDIS practice rooms as he suddenly kissed him. The older was shocked to say the least, unable to register the situation until Mingyu had ran out of the building and hadn't seen him until a few hours later.

Another few days passed until he built up the courage to talk to him about it all - his feelings, thoughts, reasons - and Wonwoo had taken it all in and understood and when he thought Mingyu had been rambling too long, he stopped him with a kiss of his own. By the time Caratland came around, they had finalised their status and began a quiet, comfortable relationship. Nothing too over the top around the members, but they sure had a lot of moments captured by fans during the three days they performed.

But every time Wonwoo told him he loved him, Mingyu shut down because the screaming and laughing in his head told him it wasn’t true, that Wonwoo had never loved him and he was unworthy of such a thing.

His own insecurities still heavily plagued him everyday and he had to now deal with the rest of the group watching over him every time something went wrong. He appreciated it, but the hovering seemed a lot more constant than it really was. It made the sick feeling stay all too long.

"Mingyu?" Said boy came back to his senses, Wonwoo's worried eyes looking into his own as he blinked a few times and swallowed heavily. The older brought a hand to his cheek, thumb moving across it, and that was when he realised he was crying.

It happened often, especially when he became stuck inside his head.

"Why are you crying?" He didn't know what to say since he didn't have an answer.

"S'okay."

"Give me a sentence, Gyu. A few words." Another thing that happened often: Wonwoo's ask for validation.

Mingyu took a few deep breaths before taking the older's hands, "I'm okay, hyung. I promise, I'm fine."

"If you don't want me to say it-"

"I like you saying it. I just...I can't..."

Wonwoo simply nodded, like usual, and held him tighter. Wonwoo knew, and he waited for the day that Mingyu would take the words in and accept them as true. He sometimes struggled to say it back as he was still trying to comprehend it all, but the look in his eyes and the way he held onto the older let him know he loved him too.

It had been obvious for a few years he cared more than a friend should.

"I'm sorry," when he looked again, the tears had returned although the younger was aware of it, "I'm sorry I can't accept it."

"Mingyu-"

"I've loved you for so long and I've always wanted to be with you and now that I am everything scares me. I do love you and I'm sorry I can't always say it. I'm just scared that you might not want me like I want you."

Wonwoo had no words. Out of all the things that could have happened tonight, he wasn't expecting a heartbreaking confession of love. It was a one in a million thing to say.

But Mingyu was so tired of everything and to tell the older, to finally let him know what he was feeling, made that ugly and sick feeling in his heart simultaneously grow and disappear. Caught up in his anxiety and not getting any sign of a reply from the older, Mingyu began to throw his head back against the wooden edge of the bed, the force he used forming a headache he was hoping would stay for a while.

Seeing his distress and knowing it was to do with him, Wonwoo released Mingyu's hands and cupped his cheeks instead, stopping the action quickly, his own eyes starting to become blurry. He didn’t need for Mingyu to give himself a concussion.

"Mingyu, I need you to keep your eyes on me and not say anything until I'm done, okay?" A nod in reply made him begin.

"I understand why you struggle to accept things like praise, gratitude, and love. I know it's because of your own insecurities and I know you're still not okay with them. But _please_ believe me when I say that so many people care about you. Fans, staff, the members, me. We all care and want you to be happy and healthy and safe.

"Things like this are going to take time but you can't expect to simply handle them by yourself. If something is wrong, you need to talk to us. Every single one of us is here for you when you need it. We're a team, and a team doesn't give up on each other no matter what." He took a moment to run a thumb along his cheekbone, taking away the few tears that were still falling.

"I love you, a lot more than the others. I love you in a different way, and I know you love me like that too. It's okay if you can't always say it because I know how you feel. Trust me, Mingyu. My feelings for you are genuine, and what I want most is for you to accept and love yourself no matter how tan your skin or how soft your singing or anything else that makes you feel like you aren’t enough. Those things make you who you are, and everyone loves it. Everyone loves you."

Pausing for a moment he moved forward to rest their foreheads together, smiling gently as he could still make eye contact.

"I love you.”

“You really mean it?”

“Without question.”

A smile crossed over Mingyu’s face after the words were spoken, pressing closer to the older, but his tears became more present until he couldn’t control them and hid in Wonwoo’s shoulder. He understood, moving his arms around him and letting him get everything out. He was so sad inside, and that hurt Wonwoo more than he ever believed.

When there was some space between them, Wonwoo pressed gentle kisses to Mingyu’s cheeks, nose, forehead, and when he was almost out of tears, he kissed him on the mouth with as much love and passion as he could give. It was easily returned and both could taste the salt on their lips as it happened, but they let it be, one person giving love, and the other experiencing it.

They stayed together for who knows how long before Wonwoo managed to convince the younger to get some sleep, knowing that all the crying he had been doing would make him even more tired that he was. He didn’t have to be asked before he slipped into the bed behind the younger after turning off the light, arm going around his waist, bringing him closer. It didn’t matter that Mingyu was bigger and took up more space; the tall boy loved cuddles, especially when he was feeling under the weather about something.

Neither noticed other members walking in and getting into their beds, too focused in the comfort they were sharing. When it seemed Mingyu fell asleep, Wonwoo pressed a final kiss between his shoulder blades and laced their fingers together tighter. He would happily fall asleep every night with Mingyu in his arms if it meant the boy knew he was loved by those around him.

Mingyu was awake the whole night. He did know he was loved. He did know he was important.

His mind was just too broken to forever accept it, and his discoloured skin was proof.


End file.
